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taking my power back ⌇raw reflections after sexual assault

by victoria larkins |

This is an anonymous piece written by a young woman in reflection of experiencing sexual assault from her guru. It is a potent piece that we can all take something from. The abuse of power is not limited to one community, it is everywhere... even, and especially, in our spiritual communities. We honor every one who has been through this struggle, and honor the courage it takes to heal from such a vulnerable space.

 

Dear Guru,
For as long as I can remember I have fallen asleep crawled up in my bed listening for a creeping in the house. On the one hand feeling cozy and safe, on the other hand never knowing what could happen. An unsettled state of being with myself yet hiding at the same time. I am so tired but I can’t fall asleep. Something in me can’t rest, must be aware of what could happen, because one time I didn’t catch it. Until it was too late.

And for years and years and years, I’ve been in limbo. Desiring with desperation to be okay, but unable to heal it. Until I realized I would have to open the very wound I swore I would never unveil.

You see, you asked me to blame myself for my own victimization. And it worked. I was tired and afraid. So, I played your game for many years. But now, I see, self condemnation is not my path. It’s actually not my job to hold the shame of your actions that you asked me not to talk about.

Its time to say, my vulnerability was not consent. My innocence wasn’t a key. You played me, told me you would hold me, that you could heal me. I didn’t ask you to unlock me. Let me be clear, only I unlock me. And clearly this is a news flash to you, but you need to hear now that, my body deserves a say.

I am done playing hide and seek for you. Hiding my body, my beauty, my smile, my eye contact, my sex drive, my pleasure, my voice. Hiding your secret, I will always find a dead end in seeking for a way out. I can’t protect myself if I can’t feel myself. And I cant feel myself if I can’t speak up and say that was not okay. This isn’t about you. This is about me now. This is about me living for me.

And now I see, how much shame has lived in seeking. Now I see you’d fed on that for a long time now. You ask everyone to seek you, need you, in order to find them. No. That’s not how it works. I don’t need your teachings. I need me. I am a teaching. Breaking free is the way. I am a match for my mountain. I am enough to climb it. I am whole.

I am not picking up your pieces anymore, because that never made me feel whole. I am picking up my pieces. Coming back to life. I am coming back home to a house that feels all my own. Meeting my parts, feeling what is mine and leaving behind what was never mine to carry. I come back to the parts where you touched me in the middle of my pain, and there I see it. There is where you misplaced your shame. And, here is where I just needed to play my own game. To love myself is not lame. And so, swaha to you.

 

To the wounded part of my very own self,  

I see you. The parts of me that reflect a frightened little girl. I am so sorry I left you. I am here. I should have been the one to hold you. He said he could help, and I abandoned you in that moment, seeking his way. And when it happened, I sunk your voice, your vitality deeper under the surface. I broke you down, when I could have broken you free. All you needed was for me to be with you. I see that now. Can you believe me when I say, I am here now? Do you feel me when I say I am going to be here with you for as long as you need to feel okay? What do you need?

I now see that I was the only one who could ever hold the kind of space you needed. Our union is the answer, there is nothing else to seek. And here is where you need to know something. I need you too. For I cannot grasp my full light until I know your darkness—my darkness—this is the key. It was never his hands. It was never his mantras. It was you. You are the key to me.

And this, right here—what it feels like right now to be in connection to you— this is real love. oh love. this is the river that flows from what was and what is to be. This moment is the flow of presence that kneads together past and future. This is the greatest healing, that feels like living, that could ever be. This is our awakening. Full integration into wholeness. Into humanity. What a fucking gift it is to be here now. To be a human. To feel. Is to heal. It is so simple.

 

Dear sisters and brothers,
We don’t ever have to explain ourselves. We don’t ever have to feel unsafe again. It is our birthright to be, to feel, to give, and to receive. To speak, to eat, to laugh, to enjoy. It is our right to know with every fiber of our being, that we have a choice.

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